i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
