i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
