I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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