Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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