I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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