a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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