we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
