never play flip cup with pint glasses
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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