Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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