What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
