when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize