apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
