No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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