Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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