so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
