On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize