My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
