Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Couch. On fire.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
