found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
