shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
