At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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