yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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