Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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