i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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