Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
