Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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