We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
