My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
