just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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