1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
