I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
