Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
