Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
