I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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