It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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