Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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