He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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