I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
