At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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