Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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