Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
