what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
