yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
