hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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