do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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