I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
