When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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