Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
