i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
is wine microwaveable?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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