Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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