i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
