WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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