Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
