I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
