TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize