I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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