did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
