I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
