When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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