The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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