Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
